We Do

 Bolingbrook, IL - Welcome to the wedding day special edition of the Lion's Den Gazette!  No game summery here, just a boat load of Noteables.

Noteables:

Happy Fathers Day out there to all of the Gnaturals family and friends dads, grand dads, great grand dads, godfathers and male role models to the youth of the world.

Tailgating Started Early - The Gnaturals did not waste any time getting the wedding party started. Stapes is pictured here two weeks ago during the Ivy League game with a tall boy in his back pocket.  First off, only the tall Stapes would be able to put a 16 oz beer in his back pocket and only have an inch of it sticking out the top.  Secondly, the Gnaturals did not leave the Lion's Den since the Ivy League game until Saturday when it was time to head home or to the hotel to prepare for the wedding.

Over By There - Stapes helps give directions to a wedding attender on  how to get to the reception from the Lions Den.  He's seen saying here; "By the way, you can arrive there ok by getting off of Rt. 59 heading north but when you go home, you're screwed".

No!  We are not going to play Stonehenge - During the two week tailgate at the Lions Den, Jack asked Lauren if it was ok to wear eye black with his wedding attire.  After a two minute laughter outbreak, she said' "You were serious.  NO".  To which Jack is seen here responding; "Really?".

Bling - Before the tailgate was broken up by the New Lenox Recycling Department for not having any capacity to recycle the tons of empty beer cans piled up by the Gnaturals faithful, Arik With An A is seen modeling the $62,000 diamond-studded 69 chain he was going to wear with his suit at the wedding.  He changed his mind when the three pound necklace was giving him a backache so he settled for carrying the picture of it in his suit pocket during the wedding celebration.

Rebel Rebel - The kids of the 20's will do anything to get more playing time.  Billy, Johnny, and Tuck are members of the Rebel Travel Team coached by none other than Captain Jack Schoenhofen.  Are there any boundaries left between a coach and his team?

Highest Paid Gnatural - Up until he left the team to play with Ivy League, Jake Koz was the highest paid member in the history of Masterbatters/Gnatural softball.  That all changed on Saturday.  The Reverend Dave Angle signed a one-day contract for big bucks, thus making him the highest paid Gnatural in team history.

Heavenly Harps - You could lose them in the beauty of the moment with their subtlety, but many hats off to Heavenly Harps for classing up the proceedings with their play for the ceremony and during cocktail hour.  CHEERS! 

The Kids are Alright - Kathy and Ken came rolling in like thunder to the sounds of Baba O' Riley.  The song was allowed to play so long that most guests would have preferred it played to its finish.  It's probably a good thing that it didn't because Ken would have been obliged to jump on a table and start doing windmills............and of course finish it off with a leap from on high to what would surely be a broken something waiting for him on the floor.

Three's Company - Lauren has not put in an appearance to the Lion's Den since the pre-Covid days.  Always great to see the plucky Lauren as she handled the assignment of having two escorts.  No slight to any of the millions of Gnaturals fans but Lauren is this periodical's favorite of all.  Anyone who has missed the sideline banter between Lauren and Kathy has truly missed some of the funniest moments in team history.

Big Entrance - Jeff and The Maid of Honor, Kelsey, came busting into the reception as Jeff did not want to be outdone by Kathy & Ken or Lauren.  Jeff got some dance skills too!

Just to be Different - You have to know Jack to realize that he is not going to take the beaten path.  Every other member of the wedding party came through the main entrance, where the photographers were set up to capture the moment.  Jack, of course, directs his lovely bride Lauren to take a detour and enter through the crowd and bar area.  The photographers scrambled to get into position to get all of the shots of the 20 minute long entrance.  Folks, don't assume that Jack took a wrong turn.

Take the Cake - Here's the proverbial bride and groom cake exchange.  Glad that this didn't end up in a Bozo Show pie in the face routine as the lovely couple kept things professional.  That is until Jack got called for a lane violation after loitering for several more bites.

Words of Wisdom:  Not sure if it's still a thing to give the wedding cake top to the bride and groom to freeze and eat on their first anniversary.  If it is, be prepared a year from now with a proper desert as that cake is going to taste like frozen recycled cardboard.

Old School - Hey Ken, check the inside of your name tent if you still have it;-)

Return of Reverend Dave - Jack, Jeff, and Dave are seen here golfing on the day that the Reverend signed the largest contract in Gnatural history.  Seen here is Jack and Jeff ignoring the Reverend as he tells them the tail of his hole in one 83 years ago when he was in his mid-30s.

Upset Special - As folks got their bets in for the much anticipated "Ken" speech, father of the bride, Dan Siadak, used sleight of hand to win the longest speech of the night by over five minutes with his touching account of Lauren's childhood and her early days with Jack.  Seen here is the lovely Cindy Siadak along with Mr. Speech, Dan, entering the reception.

Activity in the Bullpen - This is the left arm of Ken resting on the top of the chair as he awaits his turn to speak.  Notice the giant stack of folded papers he is holding in his hand as his notes promised a full featured address.  No wonder his arm was so tired, those papers are heavy.

Toast From Father of the Groom - Ken culminates his speech with a toast to the newly married couple.  For all of those who made wagers, Ken hit the over 9 1/2 on time, over 1 1/2 cries, and under 4 1/2 toasts.  Draft Kings and Fanduel took beatings on those prop bets but did salvage the night when Ken did not mention his aching tooth during the speech.

Who's Gonna Cry More Than Ken - Gale.      Not much money was invested on Gale to cry more during the speeches than Ken but Gale (Pictured with Arik With An A) crushed it easily as the biggest crier during speeches champ.   BTW, there is big suspicion as Arik had a sizeable bet on Gale.

Also, has anyone seen Gale or Arik since the wedding?  It was reported that they were seen at the airport on their way to Puerta Vallarta to spend the big winnings.

Gnaturals Golf Outing - Reverend Dave did so well on the contract signing that he is seen here hitting new sleeves of Titleist Pro VI golf balls on the range at Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Although Dave signed a one-day contract, he fully expects to be invited to the 1st annual Gnaturals Golf Outing and have a limo pick him up from his chalet.  Dave was quoted; "Once a gnat, always a gnat".

Be Careful Kids - When you go up to the bar and want to order a Captain and Coke but have the Gnaturals on your mind, you might order a Cap'n Jack and Coke.  Pictured here is the drink you saw on the ledge until the end of the party.  It contains Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, and Coke.  Yuck.  Any guesses folks???  

Official Time - Ken's speech was timed by three different individuals who started their clocks at various times.  Trevor Koz, Mike Pratl, and Jake Koz all clocked the proceedings.  The times recorded were, 11:41, 11:57, and 12:00.  All three corroborate the OVER in the speech bet. Thank you gents for taking the time to take the time.

Ten for Ken - Here is Al Koz's entry into the Ken sweepstakes.  Things were looking bright off the bat with the Rebel reference but it was all blanks from there other than hitting the three main prop bets.  The biggest shocker was no mention of the toothache at 5/2.  

Kozleton - Jake Koz, Jason Stapes and the lovely bride crew of Krystal Koz and Ashlee Stapes are lined up before the reception yesterday afternoon.

Huh??? - Math whizzes from around the world, give it a rest.

Dad's Thinking About Getting a Harley - As Kathy and Jack have the mother/son dance, Jack explains to mom that dad is thinking about buying a new Harley Davidson.  Ken, not wanting to confront Kathy, thus having Jack break the news during the dance, eagerly awaits the response upon her return to the table.

Gnaturals City Connect Look - Stapes, Koz, Jeff, Arik, Pratl, and Ry are seen here modeling their wedding attire.

All-time hits leader - Ryan Foster became the Gnaturals all-time hits leader last night.  That is........logging the most time on the dance floor. Ryno did not get cheated as he covered more ground than the Illinois Department of Agriculture.  The light standard looked to be a favorite to go down but Ryan deftly avoided what would surely have been a big bang.

Straight and Narrow - Kelsie Foster would have surely secured an invite to the wedding as the long-time neighbor of the Schoenhofens.  She served double duty as guest and traffic cop to keep brothers Brad and Ryan out of trouble.  Well done Kelse!

Double Down - It is one thing for the mother and father of the groom to walk in to a Who song but son Jack doubled down on the Pete Townshend with an Empty Glass classic, Let My Love Open the Door.  The family has their music in perspective for sure.

Name Dropping - Other family musical references included a Jack Slipknot line during the vows and Jeff with a Led Zeppelin drop during his toast.

Pimping  - Far let the opportunity go to waste as Best Man Jeff tossed a few of his baseball card-like business cards on the table right underneath his work of art.  A lovely female hand is seen grabbing one of these gems.  Not sure if it's for the artwork or Jeff.

The Artwork - Here's the work of art from Jeff as it is the lovely couple of Lauren and Jack in a lighter moment.  Readers, call this guy (Jeff), he's talented!

Coffee Time - Jake Koz trying to enjoy a hot cup of coffee while being badgered by sister Tori.

Cigar - Who smoked the Romeo y Julieta and tossed it off the balcony and on to the stone sidewalk below?  Geez, there was a 200 square foot area of plants and shrubs five feet to the left of this feeble toss.  We can get the Gazette photographer to look at the film for the culprit but let's see if anyone steps forward on their own.

Grab Some Bench - Slick bench outside of the front entrance with the backboard being the American Flag.  We stationed a reporter out their the entire day and are happy to report that nobody took a knee.

Hijinks - From this point on, the photo booth should be standard at every wedding.  Our readers should pressure the worlds greatest park district, New Lenox, to purchase a photo booth for in back of the home plate area for our tailgaters.  While we're at it, how about a proper bathroom facility with running water?

Wait. What??? - I recognize the steamed broccoli with red pepper slices.  Also recognize the smashed potatoes.  I do not recognize the steak and lobster.  Was that a choice I missed?  Was that a choice that we all missed?  Must have been nice.  A shout out if any of our readers can answer two questions correctly.  Who's dinner is this?  Who sent the Gazette this picture?  OK, Jack, give them our new number once again.

Free Gazette - Our young readers were seen here catching up on the latest edition of the online print.  Bet they are going over Thee Uncle Gary formation.

Teamwork - The team plus Al Koz is pictured on the balcony of the grand clubhouse.  Jack appears to be ducking in anticipation of a thrown Bosco Stick.  Ken is in ready position for a maraschino cherry toss from the bar area.

Good Night - A great time was had by all. Thank you to everyone for making this a fun night.  Congratulations to Lauren and Jack.  Have fun on your honeymoon.  Team, go out on Tuesday and spank the Scrappers.